Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Work and purpose

So January of this year an opportunity came my way and as many "work from home" opportunities end up as scams, I very cautiously started with this company.  They introduced me to a client and it happened to be at the very height of their busiest season of the year. I instantly fell in love.

At the end of March things were extremely slow. Even then, I swore I would just lay low and be happy where I was. The longer I have been there I made friends who had been there longer way longer than me and they had taken on more skills and reported more earning potential year round, not just 3 or 4 months out of the year. Well, I slowly took on 1 skill and another and now I am at the point of deciding if I want to move into an actually title beyond "contracted agent". It both scares me and excites me.

     I have had a few ask me about what I do, I message them the information and it just isn't for them and that is okay.  Unlike most people, my "job" started as a hobby, something to help my self esteem and give me purpose, also a way to help with a few wants and needs, and now hopefully in the next year, we will get to start traveling (together for fun, since I already travel.... A LOT, lol)

Well, as anyone that has worked in call center work might know, we are trained to be "ready" for suicidal calls, because sometimes a person on the edge just wants/needs to talk to a stranger. I had not slept well since Sunday so I slept on and off all evening last night and when Vern was finally ready for bed I was restless. So I thought I would see if anyone was needed and logged in.
     My "call" finally came. The 1st minutes of that call time stood still. I started following protocol step by step to the best of my ability (no one call will EVER be the same or by the book) by the calls end I felt the situation was no longer dire and more like just needing to vent. Still, once they left the line I, 2nd guessed everything I did and said. I felt I had not followed protocol properly and thought at least it was going to be an excellent learning opportunitiy and expected coaching and feedback sometime today.
     Well, when I got to my emails I found a great job notification we call "kudos" and was happy. With all of the recent training I had done, I was thankful I must be applying things well. Then I opened my coaching and saw it wasn't a new skill it was THAT CALL. I never expect kudos for doing what they teach us to do, and with all my uncertainty from last night, I was pleased.

Oh my knee... What!?!


So I have been having issues with my left knee for almost 2 years but things started rapidly worsening in October. Bracing and compression were no longer helping really. Still, with my phobia of Drs I just kept putting it off. On our Thanksgiving trip I was wearing a new pair of leggings and I noticed a strange looking indent in my leg just above my knee. Honestly I thought maybe I had been pressing my leg up against the bottom of the steering wheel so long it had imprinted. Lol. Another "excuse" not to get it checked.  Then the pain starting becoming nearly intolerable. I was icing/elavating/bracing and still in considerable pain. So my next appointment, I mentioned it to my Dr and she became instantly concerned and reccomended,I see an orthopedic surgeon. So I reluctantly made an appointment. Still in my mind, expecting to hear it was just arthris and maybe need arthroscopic surgery to clean and repair. I mean I am so thinking it is nothing major, I went by myself. So after Doc checks it out he looked pretty concerned and said he thinks we are looking at a ripped quad. What!?!? I am soooo... NOT athletic, but now his concern is how long I let this go, not knowing when it started or how it happened, makes things a little risky. Not to mention since Thanksgiving the muscle atrophy has tripled in size. For now we wait for all the aggravating athorizations from insurance for testing and hopefully a better idea of what is really going on. For now I am left to restrictions, rest/ice/compression/elevation and dealing with it the best I can...

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Thursday Thoughts- Anger

Something I struggle with daily is my anger and quick temper. 

Check out @KrishnaRetort’s Tweet:

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Check out @BrigidCovey’s Tweet:
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Thursday, November 22, 2018

Black Ops 4

Are you a Call of Duty Black Ops Gamer looking for a group to interact, find team mates, make gamer connections, and learn/share tips, tricks, challenges, updates, etc....

Come join me Lady Nazh and friends at

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Black Ops Fun

Not been as dedicated to posting lately.  Between driving endless miles, work training, and the Black Ops release, finding balance has been a task. Thought I would start posting some gaming thoughts, links, and information. For anyone that plays there was a recent update that obviously dropped the anticipated Nuketown modes but several other issues were updatrd and fixed. Below is a link I found interesting. Grab up that Quad double XP and Happy Gaming!

Sunday, November 4, 2018

The Cycle

   So several years ago I decided on my own, that I wanted less dependence on narcotic, prescription medications. I quietly cut myself down and kept my practitioner aware. Little did I know the storm that was brewing. Now I have thankfully weaned myself below the national "standards", but not without consequences, my daily limit on what I can accomplish is probably half what it used to be. I am finding more days that I just can't manage to leave the house and my anxiety is on high most every single day. The worst part is I feel so much older, weaker and a much bigger burden to my family.  I have considered alternative therapies and medications, tried several, but nothing seems to make things much different. It also doesn't help that many alternative therapies are not covered by insurance and are extremely expensive.
     I get so angry with all the hype surrounding chronic pain and the lies so many actually believe.  I mean it is easier for people to imagine their loved ones are struggling with a pill problem and not a needle or heroin I guess. So many seem genuinely concerned and angered by the "opioid crisis" but miss a VERY IMPORTANT mark. See, around the time heroin and pills started claiming so many lives we were seeing another tragic problem, funding for mental health clinics and hospitals were being slashed, inpatient treatment facilities and group homes were closed and no sound solutions to take their place.
     I am one of the first to agree that changes needed to be made, pill mills had to be stopped and held accountable. But whatever happened to "First do no harm"??? I have lost friends to addiction, my sister lost her own life because of the damage done to her body while she was in active addiction. I know there were and continue to be problems.  I just don't agree with the mindset that 1 rule fits all in medical care and laws should never control the patient/Dr relationship. 
    I used to think people who claimed the war of opiods was just an easier way to eliminate the weak were exaggerating the situation until this past year. Now as the effects are seen from every corner of the country I am not so sure that idea is too far fetched. I am lucky that I decided to start lessening my dependency on narcotic medications years ago because now I am below the "standard" and barely functioning. The levels I used to need would now get me flagged as a high risk patient most, if not all, Drs would refuse to take on.
      I am thankful to the team of Drs and practitioners I have, but they have had to endure so much  just to take care of their patients. Things are not looking to get any better any time soon either. One of the biggest problems is that the people hit hardest by this current climate can barely get out of bed, muchless March on the steps if DC or put up much of a fight, and that makes us easy targets. I just wonder who is going to make the changes needed and will it be too little too late?

Monday, October 29, 2018

Traveling Thoughts


A day in my life...   Traveling Thoughts   

 So I know we all have joked about it at one time, but WHY do people continually want to hang out and drive in the passing lane? Why do people really not know how to properly use a median? How many of us REALLy know how to parallel park? Haha! So many of us jump in our cars and just go. We never even realize there is a world full of other distracted and even selfish drivers. I mean how many times have you seen a vehicle stay in the left lane going down the interstate? I have seen so many, too many... I always get especially tickled at the ones that ride in the left lane, move over for approaching cars and then GET BACK into the left lane. I think a lot of it equates back to the old term used for the left lane. My elders called it the "fast lane". Now the lane is more properly called the "passing lane". Many states are even cracking down on those left lane laggers and issue tickets to them.  I do find myself particularly ill when a left lane driver holds up a nice flow of traffic and refuses to budge. Many of us are always in a hurry and push the peddle as far as we can. We all just need to remember we aren't the only ones on the road and we should always be giving the road our 100% attention and care.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018


Living with anxiety is a tough road. Only those who experience real anxiety understand what I mean. Those days you can barely leave the house or answer the phone. The constant worry that everyone in your life is okay. The unreasonable thought that somehow you can fix everyone's problems, and if you don't or can't, you are failing them. The nights you lay awake with thoughts swirling around your mind. Issues you can't fix or change, the irrational thoughts something is terribly wrong but you just don't know what. The constant thoughts that everyone has some negative thoughts or judgement of you.... It can be exhausting, isolating, and a rough existence. So if you know someone that struggles with anxiety or even depression, make a point to reach out to them. A simple text "hey, you were on my mind today, I love you..." Or just checking in on them goes a long way. Not everyone struggling may be up to a visit or even a phone call, but a simple message showing you care means so much.  So keep up with those you love that struggle.  You never know what they are dealing with or going through, you just might even save a life.  

Monday, October 8, 2018

We Had the Times of Our Lives

There are times I find myself lost. Stuck in a moment of almost sadness.
  It happens every year, at least twice a year. I get this overwhelming sea of emotion, partly remembering the wonderful memories .
   During the transition into fall, it is the feeling of loss of the summer and how much I love the long summer days, family moments to treasure, and all the happy moments.
   The next time of year it always hits is right after the holidays. The family time spent together celebrating and just the feelings of love and thankfulness. This time of being grateful and thankful just makes it special.
   I feel myself getting this sadness again. I try to spend more time writing and journaling, and talking to others for support. I have learned in the past if I don't take time to give my feelings and emotions much needed attention, I can get even worse and depression creeps in making things so much worse. So I am working on it, opening up a little more, finding outlets to help me work through the motions.

Camping fun at Davy Crockett Family Campground

We love Davy Crockett Family Campground. They are always so accommodating, excellent customer service. Nothing like having ice, fire wood and even hot foods delivered right to your campsite. The amenities are amazing. The stocked lake,  walking trails, hot springs hot tub and salt water pool add a little extra comfort and fun. Daytime activities include horse shoes, volleyball, basketball and tennis. They offer a library of DVDs and board games for some family fun. The breakfast at the Lodge Restaurant never disappoints. Right off exit 311 on I-40 in Tennessee, makes it easy to find. The wooded surrounding create a great atmosphere, but just a few miles from shopping, food, and the like. Autumn acres is also close for some corn maze fun. Just minutes from Canoe the Caney. Just so many great reasons to give Davy Crockett Family Campground a visit!

They have some great things planned for the weekends leading up to Halloween too! So visit their website or call to book your family weekend today!

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

What next!?!?

What next???
     Something I just keep asking myself... The Conners, set to air on ABC very soon, playing right into the falsehood that chronic pain patients are a part of the problem with the "opioid crisis". Which is NOT a crisis at ALL. Now crap like this, not only MISINFORMING the public, but now putting some deadly WRONG idea to the Tide Pod eaters to start trying to actually inject Kratom! IT IS A TEA! A natural supplement, not EVER injected!?! CBD products now too? What do they want? All pain patients to just die off? This article and thinking like it, are just a fraction of the problem.
Ohio Bans Kratom and CBD

Friday, September 28, 2018

My Favorite Time of Year

   So many of us have seasons we love. For me Spring and Summer are hands down my overall favorite seasons. But there are other times and events I really look forward to. The Holiday's are one, for most that is a given, but there are a few other times I get excited. Football season is a big one the guys in my family get really excited for. SEC, NFL, Fantasy Leagues, etc... I tend to get wrapped up in the games too. I am a long standing Alabama fan, not really hardcore, but still "my team". By marriage, I became a Tennessee fan, lol... So I guess Bama by birth and Tenn by marriage... Hehe. I never really gave much thought or interest to NFL until I married Vern. He is a big Dallas Cowboy's fan, so I pull for them, but every night or day there is a game on, I find myself pulled into all of the excitement.  I never really have a team in mind but somehow I will get caught up in a game and find myself pulling for a team.

There is another great thing that also happens not long after football season starts, the new Fall TV shows start. With Hulu, Netflix, and the many other streaming services, I get caught up in so many long standing shows, but it is the new shows that I get excited for and oh MY! This year has not let me down. Tonight we caught 2 premieres I have been looking forward to, Single Parents and Manifest.  Both completely different types,of shows, two different networks. Hopefully these next few weeks I will get to commenting and sharing not just these shows, but several others as well.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

My inner Scarlett O'Hara. Girl Wash Your Face

Girl, Wash Your Face.
by Rachel Hollis
Chapter 2 notes and thoughts

My very own Scarlett O'Hara lifestyle was shaken with this chapter. She talks about "doing it tomorrow"  You know, that lie we tell ourselves. She points out a few things that hit home for me...
..."I had this habit for years, as many women do. We talk about the things we’d like to do, be, try, and accomplish, but once we get to the moment of actually doing it, we fold faster than a card table after bunco night..."

   We all have the best of intentions when we make promises and commitments, but we push ourselves, over schedule. Some of us have real issues with feeling pushed to say yes because we just don't really know how to say no.

   "Whatever standard you’ve set for yourself is where you’ll end up . . . unless you fight through your instinct and change your pattern. That’s how I changed my own patterns and behaviors—how I established the rule in my life that I would no longer break a promise to myself no matter how small it was."

    When we start allowing ourselves to put off things it can set up a pattern. We start to not just break commitments to others but we break those we make to ourselves. I mean it is so much easier to let ourselves down, isn't it? But it is in those promises and goals, the small ones we choose to make and keep, that set us up for success.

   Her final point in chapter 2 REALLY made me think about where I need work and how to get there.

    "Be honest with yourself about what you’re blowing off. A little cancellation here or a bow-out there can add up . . . but only if you refuse to acknowledge your actions. If you take a good hard look at what you’ve canceled on in the last thirty days, you might be shocked to discover how you’re training yourself to behave."

   Training myself to behave? Hmm... So maybe I need to be real with myself about what I can do to set myself up for success. Right? YES! I know each time I set a goal and meet that goal, I feel proud. I feel like I am stepping towards a brighter future and more in control. But then I have those days that it is easier to cancel on myself, make excuses not to leave the house, reasons I didnt read or blog for days, and yes some of us do fight a battle everyday with sincere reasons we "just can't". I know there are days I can't control my pain or my anxiety is to the point of uncontrollable. But I also know if I just commit to smaller goals and be reasonable with myself and my own expectations, most every day I can find building blocks to get the most out of life. Because the Scarlett O'Hara in me will win if I don't keep her in check. How is yours?

Chronically Anxious.

Just sitting here, waiting for time to tick by. Already a long day and for me, it has barely even started. Work most all night with (hopefully) a nap and then work, shower, drive... The joy of traveling 3+ hours one way for a Dr appt because I have such issues with new specialists. I used to think it will eventually get better but oh boy! was I wrong. The changes in treatment have gotten WORSE. Everyone looking to place blame and scream there is a problem, but no one really trying to find workable solutions to the ILLEGAL drug crisis we have had. Headline after headline reading how opioid prescriptions are down, but abuse, overdoses, as well as chronic pain suicides, are on the rise. Patients being made to feel as though no one really cares or hears them. I am saddened by what has become of this altogether. Every time I get close to my own appointments I fear the unknown. Will my provider be covered this time? Will I be able to get my medications? How much more can I really tolerate? It is a sad state of affairs and it is only getting worse.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Don't Worry. be Happy! Girl, Wash Your Face

Girl, Wash Your Face.
Rachel Hollis
Chapter 1

Note 2
"When you’re engaged and involved and choosing to enjoy your own life, it doesn’t matter where you are, or frankly, what negative things get hurled at you. You’ll still find happiness because it’s not about where you are but who you are."

As those dangerously true words of my husband's never ending nag "if you can't change it, don't stress about it".... Yeah, right. Easy for him to say, he doesn't worry about the dust bunnies in the corner, he names them. Those dishes in the sink? Well they can wait... Not in my mind. In my mind someone might stop by. Someone might have a negative comment to say about the state of our home. That grown kid "needs" my help and I haven't slept in 2 days, they can wait or figure it out!?!? REALLY? This is his great advice??? Well, he IS RIGHT. I am stressing about a hypothetical situation, someone else's thoughts. Thoughts, that most people would never even have, but I imagine every worst case scenario in my mind over and over. I let my needless concern of what people might think overwhelm me, stealing most moments that I should be finding happiness. Life is too short to constantly allow stress to rule our lives. It is long past time to look toward happiness. Before it is too late.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

The struggle is REAL. Girl, Wash Your Face reading.

So, I gave into all the attention this book has been getting and bought the Kindle version. I will be sharing my thoughts as I read it and hope some of you will join me and share what your taking from the book. I am excited to start this journey....

Just a note* I am not familiar with this author. She blogs as well and has various lifestyle endeavors. I will be checking her stuff out since reading her book has peaked my interest.

Girl, Wash Your Face. Stop believing the lies about who you are so you can become who you were meant to be. 
          Rachel Hollis

So chapter 1 "Something Else Will Make Me Happy"

Note 1
"I am not a perfect wife, not a perfect mother, not a perfect friend or boss, and most definitely not a perfect Christian. Not. Even. Close. I’m not perfect at anything I do—well, except for making and eating dishes that are primarily cheese-based—but the other stuff, the life stuff? Oh girl, I’m struggling."

Who of us hasn't felt like we are struggling? I mean so many of us post all the great, happy moments on social media, but how many KNOW they are truly struggling behond those "happy" posts? Social media has been amazing! We can keep up with family and friends, make new friends, and share our lives together. But the fear of not having it together or some negative Nelly making judgy and mean spirited comments. Yeah, it is like high school again on some pages. The mom shaming I think gets me the most. Many of you may know that my precious grandson has been dealing with,a sensory disorder, speech issues, and communication frustrations can create enormous meltdowns. Watching your own child struggle with a child of her own having illness or something going wrong, well there just are NO parenting books for that. I struggle with this daily. Time to remember we are just not perfect.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Where is Grace and who is that in the mirror?

  I used to love selfies. They were such a nice reminder of good days. Now the days are more leveled out, not full of highs/lows, just moderate happy days. I have noticed I have become far more critical of my looks. I have never been one to stare in a mirror, I just have my routine. I pull an outfit, slap on moisturizer and make-up, scrunch my hair a bit, and go. 
   Lately, I have noticed quite a few more wrinkles and age spots, but what has hit me the most is the sadness I feel when I look in the mirror. So I have been wrestling with how we are supposed to "grow old gracefully". I mean the alternative is not something I would want either, and why does it even matter to me? The important people in my life, my family and close friends see this face every single day and they still love me. I think it goes a little deeper for me. I think at times I claim I am happy, for the most part, I am, but there is something deeply personal wrong... insecurity.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Home Office

Up all night taking out a wall (or 2) and moving everything in the house around to give the wife her own office. She works (hard) from home and now has the room to do the job without me being underfoot all the time.
New Home Office
Work constantly just to get to keep up, not even thinking of getting ahead. All that will change soon and we're already looking forward to buying new stuff for retirement.

Not a ton going on lately, taking out some walls, getting storage and managing pain(s).

Saturday, March 31, 2018

A GiGi's rant

As a GiGi to a child that has his own wonderfully unique challenges I can say I am disappointed. I'm disappointed at how people react seeing a child obviously under the age of 4 having a "meltdown" or happily squealing through Wal-Mart.  I never realized just how bad things as a society had gotten until recently. No mother should have anxiety about taking her kids into a place like Kroger or Wal-Mart. It isn't like we were in some 5 star restaurant.  These kids will never get to learn the proper behaviors and coping skills if their mom's are too embarrassed or stressed to take them in public because some judgemental person will stop and stare or worse, make rude comments. Let me tell you, my boys only challenge was hearing the word NO and we had our share of meltdowns and never once did I feel judged. I had other mothers support and kindness 96% of the time. With the climbing Autistic numbers people need to educate themselves about autism. It isn't just some issue to wear a cute shirt and talk about how you know someone who has a child with autism... I once never knew the challenges that families face with Autism, it isn't just me that needs to learn and accept the reality, I will only be able to take in those judgey stares and rude comments so long. For now, I will be that crazy woman singing and acting like a Choo Choo train through the frozen foods aisle. Why? Because for a split second I see my grandsons eyes light up and we connect for a brief moment. For those of us who have never been touched by austism, that is a moment we ALL have taken for granted.  (*disclaimer* my grandson is not yet 3 and all of the specialists, along with his parents are still giving him time to catch up. The hope is we are just dealing with a sensory processing disorder. Regardless of what name the Drs give it, it is still a chalenge and should be OKAY for a 2 year old to act like a 2 year old in public. PERIOD. You and I never know what a family is going through when we have a brief encounter with them. I for one, know I have learned to be more open minded and remember what having 3 babies under 4 in public used to be like.)

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

My pain is not yours...

I know I have several nurses, medical assistants, and pharmacy techs in my newsfeed and they will understand just how much I have managed to cut down. SOME others may be tempted to judge me and/or my DRs. I have always been a responsible pain patient, always compliant, always happily passed all  requested pill counts, drug screens both saliva (which is random) and urine (every single month for over 10 years now)
   A few years ago I made the hard choice to start weaning off of medications. Mostly, the addictive and higher potential for dependence went 1st... Starting with my Xanax... I had also been on a very high dose and extremely dangerous medication that's been in the news for many high profile deaths, fentanyl... I had weaned from 100mcg/hr of the pain patch fentanyl changing every 48 hours.  After dealing with uncontrolled post-op neck surgery pain, I asked to start weaning down from the fentanyl. Once I reached changing every 72 hrs  My Drs were reluctant to wean anymore and so I became satisfied with my pain management.
   Then the war on opioids began picking up steam. I made the hard choice to switch pain management providers. Mainly for my own convenience, about 2 hours shorter distance to drive. There we sat in her office, both excited to meet one another and mostly myself, relieved to have someone that had time to hear my concerns, my conditions, and my pain. She relayed to me her stance on all the new rules and "guidelines" that Drs and pharmacies both were feeling extreme pressure to "fall in line". She believed that everyone has the right to have their pain appropriately managed, and she had already been doing her part to express her concerns and beliefs.
   We agreed she would not only manage my pain but would also cover my other health concerns and offer treatments, test, etc.
   See, I have developed Dr phobia over the past few years because of the judgment and treatment I would get when I explained I was a pain management patient and that I had a pain contract that I would be following. You could see the look on their faces, looking and judging. I even had a horrid appointment when I 1st relocated. I was just looking for a general Dr or practitioner to handle other issues related to my health. My lupus, asthma, recurring Lyme, Epstein Barr, chronic migraine, anxiety, etc... I had an appointment with this local Dr. I hoped would be able to work with me on this journey. Instead she arrogantly entered the exam room and immediately began lecturing me about my current meds, that she would under no circumstances write for those meds, and when my "pill mill clinic" was shut down, that I would need to go to the ER because I was at risk of life-threatening complications from the withdrawal. I sat in shock. I gathered my mind and thoughts and told her that she evidently wasn't the Dr for me. That my pain management Dr actually was double board certified, well known and respected, and had been in practice for almost 8 years. I had never been made to feel like I had done something wrong until now. I left her office in a full blown anxiety attack and in uncontrollable tears, highly embarrassed too... But why? I had done NOTHING wrong!?!
   So here I was almost 2 years later, a practitioner who understood, one who truly cared. She covered my meds and I explained to her that yet again, I was ready to wean down more. She was excited, I had an open mind and wanted more options than just opioids. So we tackled the fentanyl and started weaning me from it again. She added a few other meds for my asthma, anxiety, migraine, insomnia, etc. I had never felt as good leaving any appointment before. That was until I couldn't find ONE single pharmacy to fill my medications. Most only said either I lived too far away or my Dr was not in "my district" (yeah, that one I will never understand???)  So I have been left feeling like no one hears my cries or understands what so many go through every single day and things stand to get worse NOT BETTER, So tell me again how MY PAIN is anyone else's concern other than my practioners and ME?


 Recently played a few games on Caldera (warzone) and then... Lots of luck in this one, but satisfying