Friday, December 13, 2019

2020 looks painful

8 years ago I trusted and believed that the medical system would correct issues with pain care and they were. Random pill counts, drug screens so through they can probably tell you what I ate last week, they better at close to $700 a month. Pain contracts, psych evaluations,  routine nerve studies, MRIs, and monthly visits with questionnaires checking to ensure we were safely storing medications, monitoring our mental health and risk for abuse. Various other safeguards in place for my well being.  I have always been compliant. I have been patient and understanding as my specialist sat with me in his office and explained the pressure and "rules" placed on him to begin to cut medication completely and taper the others. Now, I sit terrified,  I was informed as of December 31st my Drs practice is retiring.  I 100% understand and don't blame them. They have fought in the trenches to protect their patients to the point they have lost money and I know the stress has caused their health to decline. It doesn't make my reality any less terrifying. See, I began pushing the boundaries and reducing medications long before I was asked. I have faked the smiles and walked the best I could with my head held high. Then I get home and spend 3 days recovering from the visit. I am silently suffering from such intense pain that some days it becomes too much and I cry out or wince in pain. I spend my days trying every compression brace, pain cream, and device available to provide  relief. Something has also happened along the way. I became a GiGi. 1 by 1 my precious Angel's have come into this world and I live with such heartbreak and pain because I am not there for them, I cant take them to the zoo, the park, or even have them spend the night with me. I am not the only person suffering in my pain. My husband, my family, my friends, they have all lost the person I used to be. Many days now I spend propped up, trapped in a body that continually betrays me. It doesnt matter to the DEA, CDC or any lawmaking body that for over 10 years before they decided to violate my life and think they know better than ALL of my Drs, I was active again, I went on high school trips with my kids, slept on buses, ran up and down stadiums,  and had a wonderful part time job that I loved. So now as I sit here looking towards 2020 and beyond, I am sad and in fear. What else are they going to do to take my life away... check your statistics.  Not only has this war on all opioids not helped any of the true addicts but now people who once lived somewhat happy and productive lives are under so much pressure and pain from not being treated or being undertreated, they are taking their own lives... So you tell me, what do I have to look forward to. Right now I am afraid,  not much. I see needing a cane, building a wheelchair ramp, making our home handicap accessible just so I can manage daily needs. All because some government agencies decided to play Doctor. 

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 Recently played a few games on Caldera (warzone) and then... Lots of luck in this one, but satisfying