It was a pity party kind of day

Well as long as I have fought my battles and felt like a warrior I must finally stop, take a step back and submit to the reality that my relationship with many people I held close and dear to me, is now part of the casualty of my illness. No fibro didn't make me stop calling, texting, reaching out. No my lupus didn't form the walls I have built around myself. But over the past 20 years I have grown tired.  Tired of begging people to understand, tired of trying to explain why one day I am on top of the world and moving mountains and the next day I can barely move my legs. I'm tired of hiding the pain and burying it deep within, forcing a smile when really I Just want to cry and have someone really understand my pain.  I'm tired of making excuses for why I can't make some important function, or spending a week getting over making myself attend birthday parties, weddings, and others. I am tired of the fear I have every time I have to go to Wal-Mart and hearing someone cough and sneeze, or avoiding all public places when there is an outbreak of the flu or a stomach virus... Most of all I am just tired... Tired of knowing that complete strangers in all these wonderful groups knowing more and caring more about what medical problem, test, or procedure I'm having, or seeing that the ones who drop a msg, or sweet voice of caring compassion aren't the ones I've known most of my life, the ones I will and have done all I can and more when they need me, only to feel lost and alone when I am down or not feeling the best... But as I have known for many years, being one of the earlier diagnosed back when most in the medical community didn't even comprehend what Fibromyalgia was and you intentionally left it off your medical history when you met a New Dr or specialist for the 1st time in fears they would just look at you and offer a referral to a shrink... I have known of many who had lost their spouse's, parents, siblings, even their own children, when they were going through the motions of diagnosis and all that one was put through 20+ years ago.... Tonight is a rough night for me and I know it will pass. I know that in a day or few I will be out of this fog and better for it. But for now, just right now, I am hurt, I am angry, and I am sad...