Monday, April 8, 2019

We are not disposable

People, I know many of you see the headlines "opioid crisis", you see the stories of crying families who have lost loved ones to addiction. I have too! I lost many close to me from addiction but I  am also a chronic pain patient. I rely on those "awful and deadly" opioids to be able to walk. I did not wake up one day and decide to be on life long medications. To have EXPENSIVE drug screens, monthly visits with Drs (even though I LOVE my Drs deeply.) They are part of a wonderful crusade to help legitimate patients receive adequate care. They also have been forced to taper patients and taper patients more, all because some "guidelines" that law efforcement has decided to use to scare Drs, pharmacies, and patients with.  I have spent the last 3 years cutting myself back on my own, voluntarily. Altogether stopping certain medications because their name is pure taboo... I mean what is your 1st thought when you hear the word fentanyl? Well for me it used to be this tiny thin patch I wore 3 days at a time. For almost 10 years I traveled the country, I worked part time jobs outside of the home, I raised 3 AMAZING and responsible kids, I volunteered at their schools, I was an energetic and happy mom, I substituted for some great schools and loved it, I even went back to college. I watched my 3 grands born. 1 of which I patiently waited days to arrive only for him to wait till the absolute last minute and caught the red eye from California to spend Christmas with our East Coast kids. Does that sound like a strung out druggie?
   Not 1 person can even begin to say I have ever had the life of a true drug addict. But I am now utterly TERRIFIED of seeing new Drs or going to an ER or Urgent care. In my experience I have been treated like a drugged out dr shopper even though I have ALWAYS followed the rules and listed every single medication, my Drs, and in big bold print I note I am "currently under a pain management contract, not seeking anything but care for.... And list my needs from these Specialists" I have been loudly told I would not get ANY narcotics from them and if/when my pain clinic was shutdown not to come begging for medications from them... I mean so loud that as I left in tears I knew every staff member heard her screaming at me, the patients in the waiting room couldnt even make eye contact with me....
    The reason for my visit that day? Well I had no primary care Dr and felt I needed someone closer in case I were to get sick, also someone to handle yearly screenings and such. Another time I literally had the flu and was in an urgent care office and treated so poorly.
   Now just the idea of seeing a new Dr sends me into a panic.  I have been dealing with a ripped quad but the dr I saw told me physical therapy was all he could offer me, this after Kris, xrays, and his own in office ultrasound clearly showing the tears and damage, also a bakers cyst and issue with the way my knee could not fully straighten, his exact words "I guess at this point you will just have to fire me, I can't help you". So now the 2 inch tear is now at about 4 inches, the knee locks and somedays I can't even stand to put weight on it, but this is my life.
  I have Lupus, chronic recurring Lyme, and a host of other issues, along with new issues piling on with time.  I try not to cry, I try not to complain.... I reach for any and all treatments and keep an open mind about things. What hurts the most is knowing that even though I am now on less than 30% of the medications I was on before "the opioid crisis"  I am also living at less than 50% of the life I once had. I can't be the Gigi that goes and gets her grands for sleepovers and weekends of fun, I can't be the wife that approaches every day with excitement. Thankfully my husband is a very low key, laid back, excellent care giver. He never resents my life or the fact I am not the wife he married. He only gets frustrated that I won't fight for my right to a decent life with no suffering, but see I am and have been fighting. I am part of many groups trying to show how fighting the war on drugs has left a large group of people suffering, so many suffering to the point of suicide. The numbers are staggering, the statistcs no one talks about. The ultimate cruel end to these people suffering to the point of suicide????? They are now counted as "an opioid related death". Yeah, disgusting.  Statistics skewed to further the war on an entire group of people who are starting to believe no one hears them, no one cares, that we are disposable....
   But I am sorry, I didn't choose for a drugged out driver to run a red light and alter my life forever.
     I am NOT disposable!!
         My mom is NOT disposable!
             No chronic pain patient is disposable!

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 Recently played a few games on Caldera (warzone) and then... Lots of luck in this one, but satisfying